Children: Blessing or Threat?

We universally celebrate children as blessings. Many women believe that conceiving kids is verification of their primary role. For this reason, some couples whose efforts to have children are frustrated often experience some heightened level of stress which may in turn affect the relationship of the partners. Even when conscious or subconscious blaming of one of the partners is not present, the failure to conceive produces psychological pressures that diminish the capacity for fulsome enjoyment. Is there any sense in which children could be deemed a threat? Some relationships run into rough seas when children enter the picture. The first challenge often relates to the financial impact of the incremental responsibilities. It is wise to establish financial stability in preparation for children. While financial savings can be achieved when two persons living individually come together in marriage it is wise to recognize that it takes cash to care for children. Some couples are shocked at the impact of a newborn on their budgets. Wise couples establish a sound financial base before having children. Another potential threat to the relationship is the dramatic shift in attention and affection toward the child. It is particularly difficult for men who find that they have been replaced by the newborn. Men need to dig deep and find coping mechanisms to address this challenge. Wives should not be insensitive to the feelings of their partners. Taking care of a newborn is not easy. This is particularly true if it is the first child. Mothers have to work through a range of new challenges non-stop. This takes place in a context of doubts and fears as to how well they are performing the task of motherhood. This is definitely not easy. Against this background, wives are called upon to fulfil yet another responsibility. It is the capacity to cope with diverse demands on them physically and emotionally that makes the wife/mother role as difficult as any leadership position. Yet, you agreed to take this man as your life partner. In the overall context, wives need to take care to demonstrate that his role is not diminished. Keeping the relationship warm is not to be neglected. One excellent way to deal with the threat of the entrance of a child in the marriage is to share the newborn with loving, caring family members. Get them involved in all aspects of duties from changing diapers, through washing bottles, rocking to sleep and providing safe and enriching entertainment. This not only shares the burden around but it exposes the child to a variety of diverse personalities. This is likely to develop positive inter-personal skills and emotional intelligence. Dealing with new entrants is not the only challenge that kids present in marriages. Grown children can introduce another threat. Sometimes partners use the kids to win arguments. They petition the kids to take their side in discussions figuring that the weight of numbers will give them the edge. This is divisive and can introduce dysfunctional behavior in the family. Conflict with respect to how and when to discipline children can be yet another bone of contention between partners. One fundamental understanding should cover any and all challenges related to children in the marriage. The partners need to re-affirm that "Kids don't say "I do"". The marriage is between the partners. Controversial as it may appear, the wedding vows accorded a certain kind of relationship between husband and wife. The "for better" introduction of children should not diminish the role of either party. This is a very difficult task and requires careful attention. External counselling may be advisable. The beautiful thing is that children can be such a positive factor in enriching marriages. The joy that comes from nurturing kids and watching them develop covers over a multitude of challenges. The raising of well balanced, cheerful and achieving children is a major contributor to success in marriage. So then, to ensure that children are a blessing to your marriage: Plan to overcome the challenge of living together before bringing kids into the picture. Prepare a financial base that can cope with the additional expenses. Share the child with loving, caring family members to relieve you of some of the burdens of being wife and mother. Remember to pay special attention to the needs of your partner - despite your challenges. Empower children and enrich their experiences versus using them as pawns. Celebrate their achievement with your life partner. Share happy moments together as a well-knit family.