Parenting - All About YOU? Budianto

You know how 'they' say 'wherever you go, there you are.'? Well, I'm finding that it's truer and truer these days... especially in parenting! Funny, as I'm writing this, I'm recalling a dream that I just had last night where I kept getting fired from my job, then asked to return. Over and over again. Until the final 'fire' happened because I had scored miserably on a standardized test that all employees were asked to take. The irony of this dream is that I was practically a straight 'A' student in school and did great on tests. (mostly because I could memorize stuff!) Yet, in my dream, I had just failed my 'test' and was asked by my 'manager' to leave the company as a result. When I awoke and reflected upon the dream, I realized how I was really seeing a window into my parenting world here. My son had just returned from his dad's house yesterday and throughout the day, I noticed that my mind was wandering into thoughts about failure, thinking that I wasn't 'passing' the parenting 'test' as my son moved through this transition time from one home to another. Truth is there really isn't any test. Expectations of how we are supposed to feel or what we're supposed to be doing in any parenting moment are often where our greatest stress lies as parents (and as people). Sometimes, things just don't 'look' like they're supposed to look and that's ok. Actually, it's more than 'ok.' Parenting will really cause you to grow as a person in ways that you have never ever experienced before and at times, you will feel like you're being 'tested'. And during your parenting 'test', you may have lots of new and unfamiliar feelings emerge. These feelings are all perfectly 'normal' and you are in exactly the right place. Just by noticing and identifying that you are having these feelings is allowing yourself the space to really, authentically, 'pass the test.' Passing the parenting test doesn't mean that you get straight 'A's.' No, this test is somewhat different. This test doesn't come with grades. It comes with moments and feelings. Sometimes, LOTS of feelings. Three helpful reminders to remember during your moments: You are not your mind. Your mind will continue on with thoughts that may or may not serve you. You can 'sit back' and watch your thoughts, then thank your mind for sharing and move on with your day. This is especially effective if you happen to have a 'negative' thought about yourself or your parenting. Feel into your body and just notice where you are feeling stress. Focus your attention for a moment on this area and breathe into it. Imagine that area of your body softening. Think of a word to express the way you are feeling. Knowing how to express your feelings is the first step towards learning and then, teaching emotional intelligence with your children. Remember, a moment can never be good or bad, it just is. If you can move into those moments with your child, when you may be feeling like a horrible failure, with authenticity and a 'letting go' of any idea of failure, then you may just find your greatest success. So, what is 'success', really? For some, success means making it through the day. For others, it's making sure that all of the peas and carrots are off the plate. And yet for some of you, parenting success comes when your child accomplishes something. However, for all of us, deep within our hearts as parents, success comes when you are deeply connected with your child. Whenever you open your heart to your child and get real with your child about what's really going on for you and he can share what's alive for him, then there is a magic that happens. And that magic is the juice of life. That magic is your source of connection with your child. So, what's going on inside of you, how do you truly feel in those moments that everything doesn't go exactly as planned? Maybe the dinner isn't ready exactly on time tonight or you ignore your child when you should have been paying attention. What do you feel when your child doesn't meet up to your expectations of him/her? Or your expectations of the moment? I believe these are the deeper questions that are calling out to you now. Deep inside you is a yearning to succeed as a parent. It's in those moments when you can get really 'real' with yourself and reveal the truth about your feelings of failure, that the world shifts. And you begin to succeed. Kids are perception magnets. They're picking up on everything...especially you. Whenever you shift your inner world, then your relationship with your child shifts as well. That's why I believe it's time to really delve inside, now more than ever before and really take a look at yourself and your parenting as we move into a new year. What would you like to change? What would you like to keep? What would you like to truly offer your child within your relationship? Millionaires often say that it's really not about the millions that they have now, but it's about the person they became in the process of getting the millions. Your millions are waiting. This is your moment. Enjoy your becoming.